I'm a friendship researcher!! (PhDing, focusing primarily on Black women's digital intimacy in the context of friendship). What the Coveys' call the RBA, academic literature calls 'friendship maintenance" and there's a whole host of articled on how we (society, incl. different demographics) do this kind of maintenance work, particularly in the age of social media.
Some friendship book recommendations, in order of faves:
Arrangements in Blue: Notes on Love and Making a Life (Not a book solely on friendship but excavates friendship as main relationship when you've never had a romantic relationship. This is my favourite book of last year; it altered my brain chemistry)
Big Friendship (dives deep into interracial friendships and maintaining friendships over distance)
Digital Media, Friendship and Cultures of Care (an academic text but SO good)
Some I haven't read but high on my list:
Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing in Community
omg, this is brilliant!! I love that you are a friendship researcher, what a fascinating topic! Do you think studying the topic has had a big influence on your own friendships?
These are such wonderful recommendations, definitely going to get stuck in!
The research on the friendship maintenance has definitely made me think of the tending work required to frienddhips absolutely. A super surprising finding is how many of the Black women in my participants use IG 'close friends' as an integral part of keeping up-to-date/doing that tending work. It's becoming a key affordance in that way.
It is enlightening for me as an older person who could lose touch with younger people's thinking. I value your opinions, your reports of your experiences. I regard you as a top commentator.
Fortnightly or monthly will be great - whatever feeds your own processes as well as ours as recipients.
Thank you, Cecile! I have oscillated so much between trying to find a way to maintain the weekly, or allowing myself the space to drop down to a lower frequency. Will take it week by week for the moment, I think. So glad to hear that you enjoy the newsletter!
I would LOVE some recommendations on reading about relationships/friendships. I have had a habit of reading stuff about "being a good friend"TM and applying them to me, looking for the gaps. I have only recently considered the reverse and whether people in my life are good friends or not, and what that means to me.
A couple of years ago a former friend spectacularly nuked our friendship from orbit. There were a lot of factors that lead to that, but the lack of remorse (from where I'm sitting) for what was said and the fact that she knew it would hurt me, means that the friendship is over. And it's a hard thing for me to get over, because this person is still in my general orbit, though I haven't seen her for almost 2 years, and she's present in a way that I'd prefer only my actual friends to be present.
So yes, reading on friendships, good, bad, indifferent, how to move on when someone else doesn't want you to be their friend anymore, etc would be great.
Thank you for being you and providing this space to ponder deep things.
Ahh! I feel that so deeply - the effort putting into being a better friend, and taking the entire responsibility, before pausing to consider whether the effort is being reciprocated. Of course, not everything in relationships is transactional, but there has to be some reflection on this, no? @Temi above gave some great book recommendations on the topic, but it's definitely something I will revisit!
Sorry to hear about your former friend. It hurts, deeply, and I hope you are managing okay. Honestly, I find those heartbreaks - especially when the person is still in our orbit - the most challenging.
Ditto to Cecile's lovely words. I've been feeding myself with your words every week while taking a break from instagram. Maintaining friendships is hard - we lost a lot when Jo got sick but we also gained a new community- to the extent that when we had to move back to Sydney I was heartbroken. I now have a small group who share the same passions and heartaches. We pebble all the time. I also think friendships when you're "peripatetic" as I was for my work, as you were for work & then for your hearts sake, it disrupts our old fashioned notion of long lasting friendships, traditionally formed by work or child rearing. I'm not including here the great chasm caused by wars. I'm grateful for those I've made art with or prayed with who see me with love despite not seeing me all the time. I must confess to a few "pseudo social" friendships. As an elderly artist/carer I fret and pray & cheer for your good self, for Tan, for a few other people I choose to support via substack or patreon. Like Cecile, caring for those not in our immediate circle who are trying to change the world by art/activism etc, it keeps our hearts open. 💜🙏
I love the digital friendship we have fostered over the years, and appreciate that while it may only be digital, that in itself has value and meaning in our world. Keeping our hearts open in this way is not easy, it requires a particular muscle, I think - but the practice of it is powerful. How to think of friends we don't see often, or those whose lives have changed whether due to health, or war, or caring... I don't know that we have models for that. But I hope we will learn to, I think we need to...
I'm a friendship researcher!! (PhDing, focusing primarily on Black women's digital intimacy in the context of friendship). What the Coveys' call the RBA, academic literature calls 'friendship maintenance" and there's a whole host of articled on how we (society, incl. different demographics) do this kind of maintenance work, particularly in the age of social media.
Some friendship book recommendations, in order of faves:
Arrangements in Blue: Notes on Love and Making a Life (Not a book solely on friendship but excavates friendship as main relationship when you've never had a romantic relationship. This is my favourite book of last year; it altered my brain chemistry)
Big Friendship (dives deep into interracial friendships and maintaining friendships over distance)
Digital Media, Friendship and Cultures of Care (an academic text but SO good)
Some I haven't read but high on my list:
Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing in Community
The Other Significant Others
omg, this is brilliant!! I love that you are a friendship researcher, what a fascinating topic! Do you think studying the topic has had a big influence on your own friendships?
These are such wonderful recommendations, definitely going to get stuck in!
Pls let me know if you read Arrangements in Blue!
The research on the friendship maintenance has definitely made me think of the tending work required to frienddhips absolutely. A super surprising finding is how many of the Black women in my participants use IG 'close friends' as an integral part of keeping up-to-date/doing that tending work. It's becoming a key affordance in that way.
I really enjoy your newsletter, thank you.
It is enlightening for me as an older person who could lose touch with younger people's thinking. I value your opinions, your reports of your experiences. I regard you as a top commentator.
Fortnightly or monthly will be great - whatever feeds your own processes as well as ours as recipients.
Many thanks. Warmest wishes. Cecile Yazbek
Thank you, Cecile! I have oscillated so much between trying to find a way to maintain the weekly, or allowing myself the space to drop down to a lower frequency. Will take it week by week for the moment, I think. So glad to hear that you enjoy the newsletter!
Thanks for this post- it appeared at just the right time for me.
On your post frequency I’d say: do it when you have the energy ☺️
Thank you, Zac ! I'm so curious how it resonated with you at this particular moment in time... but I shall refrain from trying to pry too much ;)
I would LOVE some recommendations on reading about relationships/friendships. I have had a habit of reading stuff about "being a good friend"TM and applying them to me, looking for the gaps. I have only recently considered the reverse and whether people in my life are good friends or not, and what that means to me.
A couple of years ago a former friend spectacularly nuked our friendship from orbit. There were a lot of factors that lead to that, but the lack of remorse (from where I'm sitting) for what was said and the fact that she knew it would hurt me, means that the friendship is over. And it's a hard thing for me to get over, because this person is still in my general orbit, though I haven't seen her for almost 2 years, and she's present in a way that I'd prefer only my actual friends to be present.
So yes, reading on friendships, good, bad, indifferent, how to move on when someone else doesn't want you to be their friend anymore, etc would be great.
Thank you for being you and providing this space to ponder deep things.
Ahh! I feel that so deeply - the effort putting into being a better friend, and taking the entire responsibility, before pausing to consider whether the effort is being reciprocated. Of course, not everything in relationships is transactional, but there has to be some reflection on this, no? @Temi above gave some great book recommendations on the topic, but it's definitely something I will revisit!
Sorry to hear about your former friend. It hurts, deeply, and I hope you are managing okay. Honestly, I find those heartbreaks - especially when the person is still in our orbit - the most challenging.
Ditto to Cecile's lovely words. I've been feeding myself with your words every week while taking a break from instagram. Maintaining friendships is hard - we lost a lot when Jo got sick but we also gained a new community- to the extent that when we had to move back to Sydney I was heartbroken. I now have a small group who share the same passions and heartaches. We pebble all the time. I also think friendships when you're "peripatetic" as I was for my work, as you were for work & then for your hearts sake, it disrupts our old fashioned notion of long lasting friendships, traditionally formed by work or child rearing. I'm not including here the great chasm caused by wars. I'm grateful for those I've made art with or prayed with who see me with love despite not seeing me all the time. I must confess to a few "pseudo social" friendships. As an elderly artist/carer I fret and pray & cheer for your good self, for Tan, for a few other people I choose to support via substack or patreon. Like Cecile, caring for those not in our immediate circle who are trying to change the world by art/activism etc, it keeps our hearts open. 💜🙏
I love the digital friendship we have fostered over the years, and appreciate that while it may only be digital, that in itself has value and meaning in our world. Keeping our hearts open in this way is not easy, it requires a particular muscle, I think - but the practice of it is powerful. How to think of friends we don't see often, or those whose lives have changed whether due to health, or war, or caring... I don't know that we have models for that. But I hope we will learn to, I think we need to...