Being Perceived: Marketing the Self

...and my lifelong struggle with the idea of a 'personal brand'

I spent three weeks at a writer’s residency this summer, redrafting an adult novel and spending time with an handful of women and non-binary writers on an island off the coast of Seattle. It was a gift of an experience, one I highly recommend applying for. The residency offered an ideal balance of solitude and community; the days spent alone, in reflection, writing, wandering, whatever took your fancy, the evenings eating dinner together, often discussing ideas and sharing stories and being extra nerdy about writing craft, which I loved.

A particular conversation came to mind recently, as I start to consider a website redesign. One of the younger writers, officially ‘gen z’, was sharing her excitement at her first official publication: an essay in the Best American Essays collection. It’s a big deal, and we were all exhilarated for her, swamping her with our congratulations. An auspicious beginning of a writing career, I thought, wondering if I would one day tell the story of spending a fortnight with that famous writer when she was just starting out. She was in her mid twenties, all potential. Mashallah, I thought.

How are you feeling? one of us asked. The young writer’s face twisted, competing emotions fighting for dominance across the planes of her face.

It’s amazing of course, she said, but it’s also like - her shoulders shot up past her ears - omg, I’m going to be perceived!

We laughed, of course, as older folks are wont to do. It felt like such a gen z sentiment, the preoccupation with perception, exposure, the gaze. For a generation growing up on social media, it makes complete sense. It is almost impossible to exist online without a keen awareness of being perceived.

Can you see our little shadows? This is my favourite group portrait.

Something about her reaction stayed with me, resonating deep within. I was not sure why, at first. I had grown accustomed to being perceived, largely incorrectly, and had built a distance between the perception others have of me and my understanding of myself long ago. It was not until a speaking agent remarked earlier this week that I needed to ‘work on my brand’, did I join the dots.

Branding is all about perception. Boy, do I struggle with the idea that I should be actively in control of how I am perceived.

That is the message, right? That in order to make and sell work, in order to write, or speak, or broadcast, or even be an effective social advocate, I need to need to manage my ‘personal brand’.

Even typing this makes me feel uncomfortable. Which is wild! I’ve been doing public facing work for over a decade, been freelance for almost as long. I know, at some level, that I do ‘have a brand’. I have just chosen to completely ignore it, or keep it vague, confusing, mysterious. In truth, this hurts me more than anyone, but I can’t seem to help it.

I have spent so much of my life working against pigeonholing, for Muslim women, Sudanese or African women, migrants, tall women, blah, blah, blah. The idea of escaping all these boxes to then put myself back into a box, no matter how custom or bespoke, feels antithetical to my very being. The idea of packaging myself as if a product? Eeep! It feels like giving so much agency away, doesn’t it?

At the same time, I keep being told that branding isn’t about limiting myself per se.

You’re telling a story about who you are, a very reasonable friend said to me this week, as I leaked my anxieties all over their shirt.

It’s about communicating what value you can provide a client as effectively as possible.

I get that.

Yet, I continue to feel this deep, profound resistance.

Because I think at some level, if I say I am X, then it feels like I am closing the door to Y. I think at some level, it will mean accepting that I have left a different life behind. The life of being an engineer, working in remote places, having the deep technical skills that thrilled me to my core. I want to maintain all the possibilities, even though the years are racing by and I’ve been in the arts longer than I have in STEM.

I don’t want to be perceived as what I am now, because it feels like that somehow erases all I have been before.

An irrational thought, I am sure. But alas, here we are. I’ll let you know how I go with updating my website, hey?

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I’m sharing a few podcast recommendations with you today! All on the gap between our own self perception and the reality around us.

Sweet Bobby

This is an absolute classic, one of the first podcasts in my ‘1-minute reviews with Yas’ series on Tiktok. Sweet Bobby is a six-part series on one of the most intense catfishing stories I have ever heard. Will keep you on the edge of your seat!

Into the Dirt

Another Tortoise Media podcast, but this one is completely different. It’s about a guy who tells himself a powerful story, and we as listeners - and the journalists investigating - are never quite sure if he’s telling the truth, or concocting a complete lie to make himself feel better about his actions. Would love to know what you think…

Dirty Work

Another angle on the question of perception: how a state perceives you, and the implications of having no control over the consequences. Dirty Work is a series about Interpol red notices, a system which is meant to enable police forces to flag ‘most wanted’ persons at international borders around the world. As you can probably guess, the system does not always work. Whatever ‘work’ even means, in this context.

Bonus recommendation: Savior Complex is a three-part documentary series about an American woman who went to Uganda for ‘missionary work’ and is alleged to have caused the death of hundreds of children, treating them despite not having any medical training. It’s out on HBO later this month, however you might also want to watch the Ugandan investigation which came out four years ago. The full documentary is linked below.

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Thanks to everyone who voted in last week’s poll! Looks like Sunday is the preferred day for email drops, so I will stick with that for now. Another quick poll, to get a sense of your interests. It would be great to hear what you most want to know about:

If you have an alternative answer to the options above, please do comment below!

That’s all for this newsletter, folks. May you have a blessed week ahead inshallah, and see you next Sunday!

PS - Look what lovely news came via Twitter today:

You can buy a copy of YOU MUST BE LAYLA here, or request it from your local library!